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Todd's Blog

Prodigals

April 27th, 2008 by Todd Johnson

The following is an article written by the son of a famous American pastor. I found it extremely thought provoking.  I would love to hear your thoughts…

 

‘LET THEM COME HOME’

by Abraham Piper

When I was 19, I decided I’d be honest and stop saying I was a Christian.   

At first I pretended that my reasoning was high-minded and philosophical. But really I just wanted to drink gallons of cheap sangria and sleep around. Four years of this and I was strung out, stupefied and generally pretty low. Especially when I was sober or alone.

My parents, who are strong believers and who raised their kids as well as any parents I’ve ever seen, were brokenhearted and baffled. (See sidebar story below.) I’m sure they were wondering why the child they tried to raise right was such a ridiculous screw-up now. But God was in control.

One Tuesday morning, before 8 o’clock, I went to the library to check my e-mail. I had a message from a girl I’d met a few weeks before, and her e-mail mentioned a verse in Romans. I went down to the Circle K and bought a 40-ounce can of Miller High Life for $1.29. Then I went back to where I was staying, rolled a few cigarettes, cracked open my drink, and started reading Romans. I wanted to read the verse from the e-mail, but I couldn’t remember what it was, so I started at the beginning of the book. By the time I got to chapter 10, the beer was gone, the ashtray needed emptying and I was a Christian. 

The best way I know to describe what happened to me that morning is that God made it possible for me to love Jesus. When He makes this possible and at the same time gives you a glimpse of the true wonder of Jesus, it is impossible to resist His call.

Looking back on my years of rejecting Christ, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child so that they, too, would wake up to Christ’s amazing power to save even the worst of us.

 

1. Point them to Christ. 

 

Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or porn or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk band. The real problem is that your child doesn’t see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for rebellious children—and the only reason to follow any of these suggestions—is to show them Christ. It won’t be simple or immediate, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will begin to disappear only when they see Jesus more as He actually is. 

 

2. Pray.

 

Only God can save your children, so keep on asking Him to display Himself to them in a way they can’t resist worshiping Him for. 

 

3. Acknowledge that something is wrong. 

 

When your daughter rejects Jesus, don’t pretend that everything is fine.

If you know she’s not a believer and you’re not reaching out to her, then start. And never stop. Don’t ignore her unbelief. Ignoring it might make holidays easier, but not eternity. 

 

4. Don’t expect them to be Christlike.

 

If your son is not a Christian, he won’t act like one, and it’s hypocrisy if he does. If he has forsaken your faith, he has little motivation to live by your standards, and you have little reason to expect him to.

If he’s struggling to believe in Jesus, there is little significance in his admitting that it’s wrong to get wasted, for instance. You want to protect him, yes, but his most dangerous problem is unbelief—not partying. No matter how your child’s behavior proves his unbelief, always be sure to focus more on his heart’s sickness than its symptoms. 

 

5. Welcome them home.

 

Because your deepest concern is your son’s heart, not his actions, don’t create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, don’t make it hard for him. God may use your love to call him back to Christ. Obviously there are instances when parents must give ultimatums: “Don’t come to this house, if you are …” But these will be rare. Don’t lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by pushing him away with rules. 

If your daughter stinks like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreeze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she’s pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her 20-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you’ve been forgiven, don’t give him any more money—and let him come home. If he hasn’t been around for a week and a half because he’s been staying at his girlfriend’s—or boyfriend’s—apartment, urge him not to go back, and let him come home. 

 

6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.

 

Be gentle in your disappointment.

What concerns you most is that your child is destroying herself, not that she’s breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows—especially if she was raised as a Christian—that what she’s doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is, so she doesn’t need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.

Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Your role is to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that you want your child to return to.

7. Connect them to other believers.

 

Obviously, you are distant from your wayward child; otherwise you wouldn’t think they’re wayward. This is another reason why pleading is better than rebuking—your relationship with your rebellious child is tenuous and should be protected if at all possible.

But rebuke is still necessary. A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they’re being fools, but you’re probably not the one to tell them. Try to keep other Christians in their lives and trust God to connect your son or daughter with a believer who can point out your child’s folly without getting the door slammed on them.

 

 

8. Respect their friends.

 

Of course your daughter’s relationships are founded on sin. And, yes, her friends are bad for her. But she’s bad for them, too. And nothing will be solved by making it evident that you don’t like who she’s hanging around with.

Be hospitable. Her friends are someone else’s wayward children, and they need Jesus, too.

 

9. E-mail them.

 

When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple of lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation—better than any correction—is for them to see Christ’s joy in your life.

Don’t stress out when you’re composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child’s inbox. God’s Word is never useless.

 

10. Take them to lunch.

 

If possible, don’t let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it’s far worse to be in the child’s shoes—he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.

It may almost feel hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but be sure to do it anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, ask about his soul. You don’t know how he’ll respond. Will he roll his eyes like you’re a moron? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don’t know until you risk asking. God will give you the gumption.

 

11. Take an interest in their pursuits.

 

Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was 10; what can you do now that she’s 20 to show that you still really care about her interests?

Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and He wasn’t even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to where your daughter’s CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus’ glory instead of her own.

 

12. Point them to Christ.

 

This can’t be stressed enough. It’s the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn’t to help them know Jesus. 

The goal is not that they will be good kids again. It’s not that they’ll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it’s not that they’ll like classical music instead of deathcore; it’s not that they’ll vote conservative again by the next election. The goal is not for you to stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study or even for you to be able to sleep at night, knowing they’re not going to hell.

The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Jesus Christ.

And not only is He the only point, but He’s the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He Himself will replace the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the sex that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only His grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to Him—captive, but satisfied.

God will do this for many. Be faithful and don’t give up. 

18 Responses to “Prodigals”

  1. Perry Says:
    April 29th, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    First, I just had to laugh at his final comment in the 3rd paragraph. “By the time I got to chapter 10, the beer was gone, the ashtray needed emptying and I was a Christian”. I love it!!! The regenerating work of God!!! He had no idea what was coming.

    As a parent reading some of his suggestions was not easy. You’re telling me I have to let go of my kids and watch them hurt themselves!!!? I can imagine few things are more difficult. But looking back as a teenager and young adult I remember all too well that most of the things I learned about life came as a result of my own stupid sinful decisions and the consequences I had to face because of them. I had to find out for myself the emptiness of sin and there came a point in my life when Mom and Dad just couldn’t do that for me.

    I think we as parents try to protect our children too much. We don’t want them to suffer and that is understandable. No parent wants to see their child in pain. Yet in our own lives we seem to apply the opposite principal. We see pain and difficulty as a good thing, something God uses to teach us and grow us up. But when it comes to our kids we sometimes think God will do it differently with them. They can learn without the pain we had to go through. Looking back on my life every good thing and every great change God accomplished in me He did through pain, and many times that pain was self inflicted.

    I’m a firm believer in guarding my kids from the ungodly influences of this world. I’m very careful as to what I let them watch and listen to and where I let them go. I feel a responsibility to protect their innocence for as long as I can. But I know, at a certain point in each of their lives, I will have to release my grip of control and allow them to stand on their own. I’ve already had to do this with one of my children. Right now she is the Prodigal.

    The one thing that Abraham points out that I know to be the bottom line in this discussion is that God has to open our eyes to see Jesus. That’s what regeneration is. It’s a miracle and it happens in accordance with God’s sovereign plan and purpose. As a parent I can’t save my kids. My responsibility is to love them sacrificially and point them toward the only one who can. I trust Him for my life and I need to trust Him for theirs.

  2. Todd Johnson Says:
    April 29th, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    Perry - Once again I agree with you. I like this article a lot, especially coming from the perspective of a prodigal as he looks back. I hope that by God’s grace I will never have to refer to it as my kids get older. In the meantime I hope that it will be a good resource for any that might need some encouragement and guidance with a wayward child.

  3. Nancy Says:
    April 30th, 2008 at 11:14 am

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I prayed for help just this morning. I am going to print this and try Abraham’s suggestions. I’ll keep you posted on our progress.

  4. Nancy Says:
    April 30th, 2008 at 11:15 am

    P.S. Is this John Piper’s son?

  5. Todd Johnson Says:
    April 30th, 2008 at 11:49 am

    Yes, it is John Piper’s son.

    Be sure that you take the article and his suggestions and pray through how something he’s suggested might help in your situation. I wouldn’t take his testimony as gospel truth, but merely as a good “gut check” to see if you are on the right track with grace AND truth, love AND discipline. For example, I don’t know if I would allow my grown children to live under my roof doing just anything they please, especially with other young children in the house observing. But I want to extend grace whenever I can and in whatever creative ways that I can.

    Just some thoughts. And I do find some of his thoughts enlightening and challenging.

  6. Ken Says:
    April 30th, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    Great article!

    Being the parent of more than one prodigal I found the suggestions shared very valuable as guidelines to loving your kids toward the Kingdom.

    The section on “Welcoming them home” requires serious prayer and wisdom as someone considers doing this. You might ask yourself some of the following questions, assuming your prodigal is not repentant, but needy, and wants to return home:

    Do I have other children at home that would be negatively influenced by my “prodigal” being back in the home? ( We have experienced darkness brought into our home by making this mistake.)

    Would your prodigal be perceived as “getting away with sin” if he came back home?

    Going to lunch is great! At a park is even better. You then have the freedom to talk and allow a more healthy, open dialog to take place. Emotions can be more freely released. (If this could be a danger for you due to anger issues or potential violence, stick with a public visible place.)

    In addition to e-mail,send personal notes. (If there is an address to send them to). Notes are even better. They show more purposed effort on your part. Make most of them on the lighter side. Do not always make every meeting a time that is heavy and confrontational. Your prodigal will not usually leave feeling “up” from those times and you must walk the fine line there to not drive him further away. And choose your words wisely and slowly.

    Examine your motives as Abraham Piper stated. God wants your prodigal saved, not just cleaned up. Communicate on a healthy level and sincerely love him.

    Grow in your understanding of what loving someone REALLY looks like. (Absorb yourself in the Bible. Look at Jesus’ examples.) Always tell your prodigal you love him. Mean it. Show it.

    The biggest challenge… turn them over and trust them into God’s hands. A question ran through my mind during my son’s “prodigal” time that I believe was the Holy Spirit asking me, “Do you think you can love him better than I can? Will you trust me in spite of what you see or feel?” It was a process for me to do this, but I grew a lot in this area. I continue to grow in this area. It can be very freeing.

    Lastly, don’t allow the enemy to point his finger at you with the blame game. (He is the “accuser of the brethern.”)The best of parents are still sinners and make many mistakes. Humble yourself and apologise to your prodigal for legitimate mistakes you have made. Being transparent and humble will open doors and help disarm some conflict with your prodigal. Don’t balance the scales by blaming them for their poor choices; leave that to the Holy Spirit.

    Don’t talk your prodigal to death. Listen, listen, listen.

    Pray. God is faithful.

    In closing, our radical prodigal has returned with a fervor and passion for the Lord that puts me to shame. We are extremely close and the future is very bright, because God is in it! That is my prayer for those of you out there in the midst of your battle.

    God bless.

  7. Geoff Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 12:48 am

    Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. As a prodigal son myself I can identify with this article. As a family of believers we have many different parts of the body and there are different ways of handling any given situation. The thing I believe is that you can always find the truth in how to handle any given situation through prayerful reading of the Word of God and through wisdom in a multitude of counselors. (Proverbs 11:14)

    I was adopted when I was seven years old. Up until I was five years old I was abused by people that had no love and only evil to offer. I was removed and put back five different times before the final time when I was 5. They say that the first six years of your life are the deciding factor of how you will view the world and respond to it. My first six years instilled in me a lack of trust and understanding of love. I was adopted when I was seven years old, which is quite rare and I would say quite a miracle of God. I was adopted by parents that lived and breathed the Word of God and loved Jesus with all their heart and soul and mind. Growing up they raised me the best way they knew how with constant pursuit of help from God and counselors. They had unconditional love for me and taught me God’s love in action. They raised me up in the way that I should go. They were not perfect, but their love superceded their mistakes.
    Now I have to say that they were the best parents that anyone could ever ask for, but in that being said, that was not enough to keep me from heading down the wide path of destruction. Satan has a way of trying to thwart even the best of efforts by parents to protect their children from the wrong path.
    Growing up I had to deal with feelings of anger and lack of trust. I felt that the world was out to get me and that I could trust no one even my parents. I was deeply depressed at times and mildly depressed most of the time. This lead me to self destructive behavior. It took years of counseling and constant devotion and not giving up by my parents to break the chains of sin that had been put on me from my first six years of life. During these periods of time I became such a devisive personality to my parents and brother and sisters that it was not fair for them to have me stay in the house for short periods of time. My parents through all this always showed me that they loved me and that when I was willing to follow their direction and try to get help I could come back. I ended up wanting to get their help and the Lord through their love were able to break through and I was able to feel love in my heart for the first time when I was 19. Now that I was freed from that the work could begin.
    My parents had instilled in me all the tools that I would need to grow in my love for the Lord and to give into His calling. I had made two attempts to give my life to God in my early years. I prayed to accept Jesus into my heart when I was in highschool. I didn’t know what that would fully mean and I did not fully surrender what I needed to inorder to survive. Not only that I still had not been healed of my anger and pain because I had kept them stuffed down inside at this time. It was a recipe for disaster and ignorance and my short lived conversion looked like a lost cause. When I was healed and love was allowed into my heart I lived like a christian for a short period of time, but the cares and temptations of the world soon overcame that.
    I joined the Airforce when I was 24 yrs old. I made it through the tough training and survived techschool to be security forces. When I made it to my assigned base all the new found “freedom” pointed me to drinking and living for the pleasures of the flesh. Because I have so many people that love the Lord and pray for me this was not allowed to go on for very long before an accident brought me to my knees. I went to a court martial and during the time leading up to it I was totally looking to help from God and promised my life to Him. Sure enough He was good to me and blessed me with miracles and grace in my sentence. I was allowed to stay in and cross train. As soon as the pressure was gone I gave into the cares of the world again and was tempted into the party life again. I ended up being around the wrong crowd and peer pressure pulled me into using drugs. Shortly after this happened the Lord would not be mocked for His grace and I was turned in for it and I denied it all. There was no proof, but the Lord had it so that I lost my ability to stay in the military. In my despare for being an idiot I gave up and pursued living for pleasure. Every step of the way the Lord kept having events happen that would not allow me to be happy or fulfilled in those sins. He didn’t blast me with lightning, but knew perfectly how to answer the prayers of intercession by those that love me. It took years for their constant devotion, love, and discipline for me to finally come back to Jesus. I realized that I needed Jesus after years of trying to save my life in the world and having no satifaction or fulfillment in it. I was also taught what it looked like for someone to be obedient to God and the fruit of joy and happiness that comes from staying true Him by my younger brother and sister. The Lord showed me that I had given strongholds to the devil in how I had lived my life and that I needed them removed before I could be freed from my sin. Once they were removed I was freed from things I had no control over up until that point. I am now fully surrendered to Jesus and I know and understand the importance of being committed to reading and following His word and praying without ceasing.
    When I was living in my sins my parents never let me forget that they desired that I live the way that God desires of me. They did not support my sinful ways through letting me just come home. Their light was so convicting that I being in darkness didn’t feel comfortable being there. Everytime the Holy Spirit had me come back into contact with them, I always knew they loved me and they always showed interest in how my life was going. They stayed firm to what the Lord convicted them to do in raising me and that obedience in the long run lead to my salvation! If someone is living in darkness shine the light, but dont let those continuing to live in rebellion stay comfortable in your home. I pray that Jesus will show you comfort and peace in knowing the promise of Galations 6:9

    “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ”

    Thank you Mom and Dad for never giving up on me and teaching me the love of Jesus by putting it into action and letting the Word of God fill your hearts and minds.

  8. Todd Johnson Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:02 am

    Ken -

    Thank you for sharing such wisdom that is clearly wisdom rooted in Scripture and groomed by experience. I hope others will benefit from it as well.

    Raising kids is risky business, isn’t it?!

  9. Mike Smith Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Good article. Romans… Romans. John Piper tells story after story about how this book changed his life. As well as many other “champions” of the faith the we all love so much. Its actualy exciting to hear that God once again used this book to bring his prodigal son back into the fold. Another testimony to the power of the Holy Spirit, using the book of Romans, to regenerate a heart to come back to Jesus. good stuff!
    Mike

  10. Jon Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    Todd, you are right in that there needs to be balance between grace extended and boundaries set with wayward children. God’s basis of love seems to lead to His wisdom as well.

    Interesting that it was Romans that I randomly picked to read when God brought me to Him that night some years back. Time in His word is never wasted

  11. Chris Says:
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:21 am

    It’s funny - I’ve read some other things by Abraham on the Desiring God blog, and sometimes thought “See? There’s how God rewards guys as faithful and in love with God as John Piper”.

    Humbling for me to read that and realize that it wasn’t Piper’s faithfulness that brought it son to Christ. It was God’s.

    I mean - duh, right? But so quickly we exalt those we admire - no matter how many times they point to God.

    Good stuff. Thanks for sharing that Todd.

  12. Todd Johnson Says:
    May 2nd, 2008 at 6:19 am

    Geoff -

    Thank you for sharing a big part of your life with us. I thank God for His grace in your life, and the parents that loved you no matter what.

    Chris -

    You are right. We are so prone to worship creation rather than the Creator. There are several men in this world that I have exalted to an unhealthy degree. Paul said to Timothy to “honor faithful Elders” (and some give double honor for their work), at the same time we need to see that it is God gets the glory.

    I need the same reminder.

  13. Nancy Says:
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 am

    I am reading the postings on this article daily. The entries are very helpful, especially the warning regarding being careful about bringing them home. Everything in me wants to throw open the door and make a comfortable nest, but because I have a husband who follows Jesus, we have made the difficult decision to watch and pray.

    Your input is helping me maintain my commitment. God, not Mom, saves. Thanks to all for sharing your experience.

  14. c Says:
    May 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    Todd,
    This article is great; not just for prodigal children but it is very applicable to spouses as well. To love your mate in a way that is from God is one of the hardest things to do. Currently, coming down the back side of things makes all the effort worth the uphill battle. It is not easy to love, pray and care for someone who does not follow God. But, when you are not following God like you should you cannot be a light to your spouse. As soon as my life was back on track I was able to see my spouse in a way that only God can see them. It makes all the hard work worth it in the end.
    By all means, things are not 100%, but they are in the direction that they need to be and life is worth spending together again!

  15. Geoff Says:
    May 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    I love the reminder that we need to give God the glory for all that is good in our lives. It is wonderful that God reflects the benefits of His glory , so that we share in His joy and glow in the warmth of His love. That love is spread through those that are obedient to His Word and their obedience can attract those that are lost to desire to come to the Source of that love. Thank you Jesus our precious Savior and Lord.

  16. Jodi Says:
    May 18th, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    My goal today was to read this article. I’m glad I did. It was recommended by a dear friend who knows what our family is going through. God’s timing is always perfect. Struggling with prodigals for several years now, we have one back in the home temporarily. It was a hard decision, because of his lifestyle, but God used other believers in my life to remind me that my son is not saved…quit expecting him to act like he is!! This article underscored and reminded me of this. I need to love him, be honest with him, pray for him, point him to Christ, be real with him, communicate with him, accept him for who he is and not expect him to be Christlike. Thanks for posting the article.

  17. Todd Johnson Says:
    May 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    I’m glad you found some fresh encouragement from the article Jodi.

    God is in the business of loving prodigals. We are probably most like Him when we are doing the same.

    God bless you and the labor of love ahead of you.

  18. Lori Says:
    May 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    But God….my favorite phrase.

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About Todd

Name: Todd Johnson
Location: Grass Valley, CA
Contact: todd@crossroadslive.com
About: Todd is the husband of Sharon, the father of Morgan, Caleb, Makenzie & Claire, and a pastor at Crossroads Church. He considers each of these roles the greatest of privileges.

Verse of the Week

“Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ”

- 1 Cor 1:20-21 ESV

Now

Reading:

“The Reason for God” by Tim Keller

“Memoir and Remains of R.M.M’Cheyne” by Andrew A. Bonar

“Above All Earthly Pow’rs by David F. Wells

“The Supremacy of God in Preaching” by John Piper

“Jesus and the Eyewitnesses” by Richard Bauckham

Listening:

Coldplay - Viva la Vida
U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

Archives: